Update on Feelings

After the last post, I've had a lot of feedback.  I've appreciated all of it! My days go up and down, and I've had more down days lately than up days.  When I have a down day everything seems to fall apart.  You know the saying... "If Mom's not happy, no one else is".  Tanner felt my negativity and reacted to it by not wanting to do anything for himself. (becoming a baby again).  I've decided to turn a new leaf and be happy for him.  I will save the negativity for when he is sleeping if I need too. :)  I look at how amazing he is, how he smiles all of the time, and is not mad at the world.  If he can do it, so can I.

Things really aren't as bad as I imagine them to be or as they seem.  Things could always be worse, and I am grateful that they aren't. I know that any help we can receive makes things easier for mostly the parents, but any release in stress is helpful. :)  I only wish it wasn't so hard and a constant fight.
I'm making a goal to do the best I can and rely on God to help with the rest.  That's all I really can do :)

Tons of Emotions..... Star's Feelings

Bear with me....I've been in deep thought a lot lately.

I sit here wondering what I can do given the little resources I have to make Tanner's life a bit better.  The bigger he gets the harder it gets to swallow that he really is "different". It's so hard for me to watch as his cousins run circles around him and to see him get so frustrated because he can't keep up.  Things like that are such harsh reminders about how easy other kids get around and how hard Tanner has to work to get anywhere.

I am so frustrated with Arizona and the lack of support and resources.  When I was pregnant with Tanner I was told numerous times... "He will get approved for a lot of things that will help out" - Currently he hasn't been approved for SQUAT!  I don't mean to sound bitter, but I have to admit that I am. I almost wonder if we would qualify for more things if we lived in another state.   I really feel like Tanner is getting short changed, and I don't know what I can do about it.  I've applied and applied and applied....and appealed and appealed and appealed.... only to get denied repeatedly for the things I was told before that Tanner wouldn't have a problem getting.

Christmas was hard for me this year.  Not sure if it was because it was the first Christmas after my Dad died, and he was all about Christmas or the fact that I'm still unemployed.... or maybe its something else.. I try so hard to be happy and not get stuck in sadness, but I seem to be stuck in a rut.
We were able to go to Utah where my family is and where I grew up for Christmas this year.  I felt it important that I be there for my Mom, and hoped it would help me too.  I know my Mom loved that we were there, and Tanner got spoiled rotten!!  But things just felt off for me, and I'm still puzzled why.
I was able to spend some time with friends which helped, but I still felt off.  Ray even noticed that I was off, and got frustrated when I couldn't tell him why.  I still can't tell him why.

He said the other day "I want the wife back that I married".  I don't know if I can give him that.  Having a child with special  needs changes a person. At least I feel like it has done that to me.
Some people tell me I need to get on anti-depressants.... but I'm already a "walking medicine cabinet" ... why would I want to add one more thing.  I don't know....maybe I haven't grieved enough about things and need to grieve more.

Don't get me wrong, I love Tanner... I would die for him.  He is my world, and the light in my life.  He is so funny and always amazes me with the things he is able to do given the circumstances.

Just had to clear my head.  Thanks for listening.
~Star~

December 2010

December has been a fun month for Tanner, full of activities and adventures!

At the beginning of the month we went to the Phoenix Light Parade.  Tanner really liked it and kept clapping, pointing and saying "Whoa Wook at Dat" (Whoa look at that) So cute :)

Tanner is so funny...always ready for the next laugh!  He really cracks me up!

December 15th, Tanner turned 2!  I cannot believe that he is 2 already!  It goes by so fast!  We are still working on standing and taking steps in his walker, but I know he will get it when he is ready.  Practicing patience is hard, but also so rewarding when he reaches that goal!  He is talking more and more each day, repeating EVERYTHING I say in his own comical way!  Adorable! :)

 Tanner received clothes, cars, bath toys, a mickey mouse car, mega blocks, and "A band in a box".  The mickey mouse car is by far his favorite!  He played with it nonstop for the first 2-3 days.  Still plays with it everyday with his other toys!

One of Tanner new favorite activities is "wrestling" with Daddy.  It's actually just Tanner climbing all over Ray, but Tanner loves it none the less. Ray is a good sport about it too!

For one of our family nights we went to the Mesa LDS (mormon) Temple to see the Christmas lights.  There are always so many lights, and they have the Nativity set up there too.  Tanner loves all of the lights, and he really like the Nativity. 

On December 18th we attended the Annual Spina Bifida Christmas party for Arizona.  We also invited Grandma Pat, and Grandpa Ken to go with us.  Lunch was served, and there was entertainment (dancing). They also had coloring stations and ornament making stations for the kids. Grandma and Tanner made an ornament. At the end, every child has the opportunity to sit on Santa's lap and receive a gift.  

Needless to say, Tanner was not too excited to sit on Santa's lap.  But I couldn't go without a picture. Although he is screaming, I still love this picture!  It makes me smile!

He received a cement truck which came with 3 balls to play with too. 

Tanner loves his cars and trucks!!!  He plays and plays and plays and plays....and this is usually the end result! I was running around doing laundry while he was playing..... thinking it's much too quiet.....went to see and this is what I found..... Tanner passed out on the floor!

Whew ....... that was exhausting....

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Look back on November

November was a great month for Tanner.   Always so happy to get in his stander and chase Mom around the house. And getting so big too!  Weighing in at 26 pounds, and is now 36 inches tall!  He has the cutest personality.  Very stubborn and independent, but still willing to accept help when needed.  Very happy, laughing all the time, teasing the dog, playing.  Learning new words every day!  Growing up so fast!

Always "into" something!  Getting "into the island here.  So cute! :0

Watching TV - gets up to an hour a day.  Still mesmerized!

Not always wanting a picture taken..........

But at last.... Ok, Mom....I'll smile

The rest of these pictures were taken at Encanto Park in Phoenix.  My friend Stephanie took them for practice as she explores her interest in photography.  I love them all!

And here is my little man standing!  Such a big boy & I'm so proud!  Had to post it again!

November was busy for us.  Tanner is getting to be more and more fun!  December here we come!

Look what I can do!

It was a typical Thursday...... Mom running around doing laundry, cleaning...... trying not to leave me by myself for too long......

So I decided to do something that would REALLY get her attention....... I tried throwing toys...didn't work..... tried turning up the volume on the TV.....didn't work..... tried hitting the dog with my trucks.....didn't work.

Hmmmmm...... It's gotta be something really really really good!

I know....... I'll do this....something that I won't do when it's "mom's idea".... but sounds good now....

Wait for it......

Wait...

As mom would say "be patient!"

Ok.... I'll show you....

Yes, that's right everyone..... I stood in my walker! And when mom came in, boy was she surprised, and so happy too!

She wanted to take a picture.... so I figure .... why not? She's just going to brag about me..... And that is something that I can handle!

Until Next Time! - Tanner

Elves?

Was playing around on the web the other day... made this video. Shows how crazy we really are!

Happy Holidays!

A Boy and his Dog

When I had Tanner.... I often wondered if he would ever get along with our miniature dachshund, Maple.

This boy who is so fun, playful, and silly. Who imitates the dog by biting his shirt....

And this dog who is a protector, and yet sweet in her own way. She really didn't like Tanner at first, and would always run away when he cried. She has growled a lot at him.....

But now he growls back! :)

It's taken almost 2 years, but they love each other now. Maple protects Tanner, just like she protects me. She is more excited to see him than anyone else,when we come home from being out. She puts up with the hugs, tugs, and "loves".

And even lets him rub her belly now and then......

This boy loves his dog....... and she loves him! :)