"God doesn't give children with special needs to strong people; He gives children with special needs to ordinary, weak people and then gives them strength. Raising a child with special needs doesn't take a special family, it makes a special family."
" Faith makes life possible. Hope makes life workable. Love makes life beautiful."

The Winwards

The Winwards

Friday, January 7, 2011

Tons of Emotions..... Star's Feelings

Bear with me....I've been in deep thought a lot lately.

I sit here wondering what I can do given the little resources I have to make Tanner's life a bit better.  The bigger he gets the harder it gets to swallow that he really is "different". It's so hard for me to watch as his cousins run circles around him and to see him get so frustrated because he can't keep up.  Things like that are such harsh reminders about how easy other kids get around and how hard Tanner has to work to get anywhere.

I am so frustrated with Arizona and the lack of support and resources.  When I was pregnant with Tanner I was told numerous times... "He will get approved for a lot of things that will help out" - Currently he hasn't been approved for SQUAT!  I don't mean to sound bitter, but I have to admit that I am. I almost wonder if we would qualify for more things if we lived in another state.   I really feel like Tanner is getting short changed, and I don't know what I can do about it.  I've applied and applied and applied....and appealed and appealed and appealed.... only to get denied repeatedly for the things I was told before that Tanner wouldn't have a problem getting.

Christmas was hard for me this year.  Not sure if it was because it was the first Christmas after my Dad died, and he was all about Christmas or the fact that I'm still unemployed.... or maybe its something else.. I try so hard to be happy and not get stuck in sadness, but I seem to be stuck in a rut.
We were able to go to Utah where my family is and where I grew up for Christmas this year.  I felt it important that I be there for my Mom, and hoped it would help me too.  I know my Mom loved that we were there, and Tanner got spoiled rotten!!  But things just felt off for me, and I'm still puzzled why.
I was able to spend some time with friends which helped, but I still felt off.  Ray even noticed that I was off, and got frustrated when I couldn't tell him why.  I still can't tell him why.

He said the other day "I want the wife back that I married".  I don't know if I can give him that.  Having a child with special  needs changes a person. At least I feel like it has done that to me.
Some people tell me I need to get on anti-depressants.... but I'm already a "walking medicine cabinet" ... why would I want to add one more thing.  I don't know....maybe I haven't grieved enough about things and need to grieve more.

Don't get me wrong, I love Tanner... I would die for him.  He is my world, and the light in my life.  He is so funny and always amazes me with the things he is able to do given the circumstances.

Just had to clear my head.  Thanks for listening.


Kim said...

Hang in there, Star. You are a wonderful Mama and Tanner will continue to bless you. I pray you gain the strength and joy you need to get through a difficult time. (((hugs)))

Selina said...

Sometimes it helps to get it all out...We all get frustrated, and I think it's ok to vent, but I'm hoping you'll feel better about things really soon. Hugs.

Colleen said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down. You're not alone. I've felt "off" and didn't understand why before too.

I do think that in Arizona you get the shaft as far as social services. Some states, like Texas and Kentucky, have resources available, even if it's a pain in the butt to get them. Others have long waiting lists. And others make it pretty much impossible to get any help.

But you said you're trying to figure out how to make Tanner's life better ... honestly, these social services make us parents' life better and easier. But does it really affect the kids much? Not really. You know what makes Tanner's life great already? He has a great mother who is a persistent advocate for him and just loves him to pieces. That's all he needs. He's going to turn out just fine because his mama raised him to know he is loved and he can do anything he sets his mind to.

Last year was when I felt off, depressed, just not like myself. I tried everything to shake that mood, and it wouldn't go away. I think it was the Lord making me restless because he was preparing me for the next big step he wanted me to take (which for me was going back to work). Maybe it's time for a change of some kind. Or maybe not. Maybe you could talk things out with a counselor or someone at your church to try to get to the root of the issue.

You're going through a rough time, but you will come out of this. And if you can't shake it, talk to your doctor about it. Ain't no shame in happy pills.