Bear with me....I've been in deep thought a lot lately.
I sit here wondering what I can do given the little resources I have to make Tanner's life a bit better. The bigger he gets the harder it gets to swallow that he really is "different". It's so hard for me to watch as his cousins run circles around him and to see him get so frustrated because he can't keep up. Things like that are such harsh reminders about how easy other kids get around and how hard Tanner has to work to get anywhere.
I am so frustrated with Arizona and the lack of support and resources. When I was pregnant with Tanner I was told numerous times... "He will get approved for a lot of things that will help out" - Currently he hasn't been approved for SQUAT! I don't mean to sound bitter, but I have to admit that I am. I almost wonder if we would qualify for more things if we lived in another state. I really feel like Tanner is getting short changed, and I don't know what I can do about it. I've applied and applied and applied....and appealed and appealed and appealed.... only to get denied repeatedly for the things I was told before that Tanner wouldn't have a problem getting.
Christmas was hard for me this year. Not sure if it was because it was the first Christmas after my Dad died, and he was all about Christmas or the fact that I'm still unemployed.... or maybe its something else.. I try so hard to be happy and not get stuck in sadness, but I seem to be stuck in a rut.
We were able to go to Utah where my family is and where I grew up for Christmas this year. I felt it important that I be there for my Mom, and hoped it would help me too. I know my Mom loved that we were there, and Tanner got spoiled rotten!! But things just felt off for me, and I'm still puzzled why.
I was able to spend some time with friends which helped, but I still felt off. Ray even noticed that I was off, and got frustrated when I couldn't tell him why. I still can't tell him why.
He said the other day "I want the wife back that I married". I don't know if I can give him that. Having a child with special needs changes a person. At least I feel like it has done that to me.
Some people tell me I need to get on anti-depressants.... but I'm already a "walking medicine cabinet" ... why would I want to add one more thing. I don't know....maybe I haven't grieved enough about things and need to grieve more.
Don't get me wrong, I love Tanner... I would die for him. He is my world, and the light in my life. He is so funny and always amazes me with the things he is able to do given the circumstances.
Just had to clear my head. Thanks for listening.