Tanner's Story ......

I remember it like it was yesterday.  Routine ultrasound on 7/24/08 - scan was going good and then the tech got real quiet and said she would be right back.  The doctor then came in and said that my new baby boy growing inside me has spina bifida. What he said next, I will never forget. He said "Your baby has spina bifida, he will have no quality of life, when would you like to abort?"

I first felt shock, and disbelief. But the disbelief soon turned into massive sorrow. I don't think I've ever cried so hard or long in my life! He is my first child, so I was already scared, but now I'm terrified.  We were offered termination many times, and each time we said no.  We were going to let God decide. 

There were times I blamed myself, or thought God must be punishing me for something. I spent many sleepless nights crying and agonizing over all the unknowns and what-ifs.  

I tried so hard to put up a strong front and tell myself that there are worse things that could happen to my son. Trying to convince myself that I could do it, and it won't be as hard as the doctor's say it is. Or at least I'm hoped that it wouldn't be.

Csection was scheduled for 12/18/2008, but Tanner decided to come 3 days earlier on 12/15/2008.  Turning the scheduled csection into an emergency one!  Already showing off his stubborn side.....

The hardest part was that he would be transferred to the children's hospital while I stayed at the birthing hospital.  I got to spend 6 blessed hours with him and hold him for a couple of minutes before they took him away.  

Tanner was 14 hours old when he had his back surgically closed.  He had his first VP shunt placed at 9 days old. He also got his first set of casts to for his club feet at 11 days of age.  He spent 14 days in the NICU, including his first Christmas, and then we were able to take him home!

(Don't mind date on pics - new camera - and hubby forgot to change the year!)

Tanner had 4 addtional surgeries by the time he was 7 months old, but none of that has ever slowed him down!  He also has had casts on his feet a total of 18 weeks so far. He sat independantly at almost 9 months old, army crawled at 11 months old, 4-point crawled at 12 months, and pulled to stand at 13 months!

Today Tanner is almost 3!  He is smart, outgoing, funny, cute, strong, stubborn, and courageous!  He never lets anything get him down!  He talks up a storm, and will copy anything you say!  He still primarily crawls everywhere, but is learning to take steps in a reverse walker.  He also gets his first wheelchair on Monday 10/17/11!  He is going to be a big brother in November, and will be starting preschool in January.  

As I look back on our journey, I honestly wouldn't change anything for anything!  Tanner is who he is, and spina bifida is just a small part of him!  He lights up our life with his sunshine, and is our little miracle from God.  The struggles have made the triumphs so much better!

Spina Bifida Awareness .......

October is Spina Bifida Awareness Month.  There have been a lot of happenings on face book, blogs, and other things going on. Below is something that I contributed to another blog, but also wanted to add it to this one as well. 

"What do I know now that I wished I had known when I found out about Tanner's Spina Bifida?"

"Wow!  Where do I begin?  There are so many avenues I could take.  But the main things that stand out in my mind more than any others are...

- I wish I would have known what an absolute joy Tanner would be in my life! 

- How no matter how hard it gets, I AM strong enough to handle it!

- That the doctor that told me that Tanner would have no quality of life, was DEAD WRONG!

- How much I have and will continue to learn from him!

- How much happiness he truly brings into my life!

- How I had nothing to worry about because he is so much more than the spina bifida diagnosis!

- I really wish I would have not worried so much about all the "what ifs" and enjoyed my pregnancy.

I could seriously go on and on about how much I love and adore Tanner.  He's my little miracle from God, and I love him to pieces!"

This next part I borrowed from a friend - 

SPINA BIFIDA AWARENESS : You should be aware that having a child with SB may cause increased motivation to help others, a newfound perspective in times of trial, a desire to enjoy the little things and commitment to change the way the world defines "disability". Studies show that raising a child with SB will induce strong feelings of gratitude for even the simplest of milestones and produce a willingness to do anything, talk to anyone, try any method necessary to make life better for your child. Side effects include feelings of worry, fear, uncertainty, and anger but are tempered with love, faith, determination and hope. Having a child with SB is not easy...but loving one is. ♥

A Special Poem

A fellow mother of a special needs child posted this poem on face book written by Tricia Proefrock , and I just had to share!  I love it, and it really touched my heart.  I hope one day that Tanner will see me like this....


I know Different


I have felt your tears, falling on my face.
... Someone else might think they are tears of sadness, because of what I can't do.

I KNOW DIFFERENT.

I know those tears pour from your heart out of gratitude for me, because of what I CAN do : I can love everyone in the purest form possible. Unconditionally. I can be judged, but will never judge in return. I know different because I feel, in your hugs and kisses, that I'm perfect just the way I am.

I have seen you hang your head down in shame, when we go out on adventures.
Someone else might think you are ashamed of having a child like me.

I KNOW DIFFERENT.

I know you are ashamed of the grown-ups who ignore me, yet talk happily to all the other children. The grown-ups who won't look you in the eye, but stare at me, when they think you don't see. I know different because I've seen the many, many more times you have raised your head up high, with pride, because I'm yours. : )

I have heard you whispering desperate prayers at night. Someone else might think you are asking God to make me a typical kid.

I KNOW DIFFERENT.

I know you are thanking Him that I got to be here, with you, for another day- exactly how I am. I know different because I have heard you ask me never to leave you. And I have heard you cheer for me, every single day of my life- you tell me I don't need to be typical to be amazing, I just need to be here.

I know you have a big job, taking care of me.
I know your body hurts, because I'm getting so big.
I know that more than anything, you want to hear me say your name.
And I know you worry that you aren't good enough, and that you will fail me.

BUT I KNOW DIFFERENT MOMMY.....

I know that even on your worst days, you will always be enough for me, and I will always love you more than you know. ♥

What Tanner says....

Tanner is so funny at times, and has a lot of random thoughts!  Below are a few conversations that have happened recently....

Me - "Tanner, is there a baby inside mommies belly?"
Tanner - "No way!"
Me - "If there is no baby, what is there making mommies belly so round?"
Tanner - "Just lots of food"  And then he giggles....
Sigh..... gotta love him!

As I've been getting all the baby stuff out and ready, Tanner has been really curious about all of it.

Tanner - " Mom, what you doin?"
Me - "'Getting stuff ready for baby Connor"
Tanner "For baby Tanner?"
Me - "No baby Connor"  Tanner, you are a big boy now, not a baby"
Tanner - "No, I baby Tanner"


Recently Tanner has become obsessed with Cookie Monster.... and lately anytime he doesn't want to do something, Cookie monster is doing it instead.

Tanner - "Mom, cookie monser in my bed"  Cookie Monser is outside"  "Cookie monser goin ta eat my dinner"  "Cookie Monser brush teef (teeth)"  
Me - "No, Tanner you are supposed to do it"
Tanner - "I don't tink so!"  Cookie monser do it!"

I don't know where he gets this stuff, but its cute.  It's so hard for me to get after him about it.

I once said that I couldn't wait for Tanner to talk....... and now..... he talks ALL THE TIME!!!

It's been awhile

It's been a long while since I posted - so this post is simply to say that I'm going to try harder!  I'm going to try to catch up before our new baby comes in 38 days!  Because then I know that I'll really not have time!

Spaghetti Song

This is Tanner's FAVORITE song right now, and I probably sing it to him or with him at least 30-50 times a day!  Please don't mind my awful singing voice in the background.  This video is just too cute not to share!

Utah Trip..... Part 1

Tanner and I took a trip to Utah for 3 weeks. from  July 18th - August 8th.  We had a lot of Adventures. This part is just from July. Tanner has gotten tired of me taking pictures of him, but I got what I could. This first picture is of him and his cousin Steven, playing the piano.  My sister Trina has 4 boys, and Tanner called them "the boys".  

Here Tanner is @ Great Grandma Winward's house "brushing" his hair.  Great Grandma lives in Riverton, Utah. It's great to stop there on the way up to Cache Valley, and stop there on the way back. She is Ray's grandma, and such a sweet lady. 

Tanner also got very attached to the "mini" chair that she had there. Just his size!

Tanner's favorite thing to do while in Utah was play at the parks!  He loved being able to be outside so much! 

This was his favorite parks out of all the ones we went too. 

When he got tired of the park, he loved to "push" the stroller around on the grass. 

But then right back to playing. 

At my mom's house Tanner had a lot of fun!  His most favorite thing was these tuperware animals that he could build and play with.  Here he is with his "zoo". 

Counting how many there are!

Near my mom's house in Logan there is a mini zoo at a park. It's called Willow park, and was always a favorite for me when I was a child, and Tanner likes it too.  We went several times. His favorite animals were the turtles and the monkeys.  I was only able to catch the turtles on this trip.  

And the BEST thing Tanner did while in Utah!  He walked in his walker with my help of course!  I took it with us to see  if he would get more into it, and he totally did!  So glad I took it!  He's getting there slowly but surely!  So proud of him!

Stay tuned for more adventures!